A Guide to Fussy Parenting: Insights from a new (fussy) parent

Before I became a parent, I had theories about parenting that were grounded in years of psychological understanding, wrapped in research, and sprinkled with confidence. I believed I understood the delicate dance of attachment, regulation, and “good enough” parenting. Then I became a mother, and all that theory met the raw, unfiltered experience of real life — where love and anxiety often show up holding hands.

While my work as a therapist gave me language for what I was feeling, it didn’t stop me from becoming what I can only call a (now proud) fussy parent. The one who likes the bottles sterilised just right, the baby’s play things cleaned and organised, and tummy time respected like a sacred ritual.

As I settle into my identity of a mental health professional who is a mother — I’ve realised that being a “fussy” mom isn’t bad. It’s a window into how our nervous systems, attachment histories, and care show up in parenting.

In my practice, I’ve seen too many new mums being criticised for doing things their own way, for taking control and for choosing to be on the driver’s seat as they navigate their life with a new baby. People often use the word “fussy” for us like it’s an insult. What others may call “fussy,” I call intentional. I want my baby’s world to feel safe, predictable and gentle. Sometimes, being fussy means thinking three steps ahead — and that’s okay. After all, predictability and consistency are the foundations for growth and development for a baby’s brain. 

From a psychological lens, fussiness is often an expression of heightened vigilance — a mild form of hyperarousal, even. When something as precious as your baby enters the world, your body instinctively goes into protective guardian mode.

Parenthood activates our stress response system (designed to detect threats). Except now, the “threat” isn’t a tiger but rather it’s the baby sneezing, being held by someone else, or even a slight change in their demeanour. In other words, fussiness can be our nervous system saying, “This is new, uncertain, and deeply important.” When we understand it that way, it stops being a flaw and becomes a sign of love and responsibility colliding with vulnerability. 

Fussiness, in its healthiest form, can be grounding. It gives new parents a sense of structure when everything else feels unpredictable. It’s the nervous system’s way of creating stability — a psychological anchor in the storm of sleepless nights and constant change. In those early weeks, routines and rituals can be deeply regulating for both parent and baby. So often, I’ve seen mothers told they’re doing too much or too little. 

But like any protective instinct, fussiness can quietly tip into fatigue. When every little thing starts to feel high-stakes, the nervous system begins to run on overdrive. The turning point usually comes when we learn to pause and ask: Is this fuss coming from connection or from anxiety? That small act of awareness can shift the entire experience. When fussiness is driven by connection — by tuning in rather than tightening up — it becomes a strength. When it’s driven by anxiety, it starts to drain us.

Parenthood has a way of humbling event the best among us. You can plan the feeds, schedule naps, and still find yourself face to face with a tiny human who hasn’t read the memo. That’s when fussiness begins to soften — not disappear, but make space for flexibility. It’s not about doing less or not doing things your way; once I started breathing just a little more, I realised that it’s okay if I’m labelled as fussy - society loves its labels after all. 

So the next time you’re referred to as “fussy” by yourself or others, wear that label with pride. Let your fussy flag fly high.